This little piggy is not moving house this year

See that little piggy? His head is above water... just.

It's a mystery why just five sleeps away from my birthday I am eating chocolate at 2.29pm.

At this rate I will be lucky to move to number 70 Skinny Street.

I lost 18 kilos but I've put weight back on in the past month. I don't know how much.

So disappointed in myself. But yet I'm still eating this chocolate.

It's totally a mental thing, this weight loss caper. And I'm mental.

I will check back in after hitting 4-0MG.

Not giving up. But then, I already did that, didn't I...

{Image found here}

To cook or not to cook

I love baking, I love preparing for parties, but I can't stand the day to day drudgery of cooking the evening meal.

It occurs to me that one of the strongest motivations for staying on the Commando programme is that if I go off it, I'll probably have to go back to cooking dinner again.

I'm staying on the programme.




[Image from here]

More than half way

How is this possible?

In February I felt like my weight was a battle that I would never win. I was resigned to making fat jokes about myself forever. I was okay with that - some of my jokes are really, really funny and I love nothing more than catching someone off guard by being un-PC about myself. Great fun.

But, of course, nice if you don't have to, right?

Now, in May, I am 19 kilos lighter and a part of me wonders how that happened.

I've tried to lose weight many, many times over my life. Starting at about 16 when I didn't know what I weighed, what I was meant to weigh or even how to get there. All I knew was that I was 'huge' and I needed to be 'not huge'.

Huge. What a joke. I was probably under-weight at the time, not over weight.

Years and years and years passed and somewhere along the 'weigh' I guess I just gave up losing that 'five kilos' that plagued me. I could never 'stay on a diet' for longer than... oh, two days, a day, a morning. It varied, but a week was a triumph and any more than that seemed completely unachievable. Even leading up to my wedding, when I was a total gym junkie, going up to five times a week, I still continued to eat and eat and everything stayed the same. It didn't bother me enough. I was still happy in my skin and proud to be me.

Five kilos became ten. Ten kilos became fifteen and then. Then.

I stacked it on. I knew that I was eating all the wrong foods in all the wrong amounts, but something in me didn't care. I was battling a bigger demon than my weight - sleep deprivation - and the sugar and carb cravings I was experiencing had to be endured to be believed. My body was tormented by blood sugar peaks and troughs and I was tormented by my failure again and again to 'stay on a diet'. I didn't want to live like a miserable, whoa-is-me person so I just gave into the sugar and found my inner 'fat and happy' chick.

Those sugar cravings. I have given up smoking after a long and committed addiction and I felt more cravings for sugar than I ever remember feeling for nicotine. The difference, I know, was that part of me felt I deserved the sugar and the same could never be said of my relationship with nicotine. I guess I wanted to give up smoking enough.

And so it goes.

Many of us have been there.

But I'm different now. Just different. After years of feeling like all I want is a bloody good sleep, I'm suddenly awake. I'll tell you more about what's different in my next post.

Thanks for listening. Talking about this stuff is really hard for me. Mostly because I worry that I'm boring and also because I worry that by saying it out loud, I might jinx it.

[Image via flickr]

Perspective

Okay, so I kinda got lost in the storm there for a while. Easter was the trigger and my own negligence was the ammo.

But you know what, this is a marathon, not a sprint. I'm good, I'm okay, I'm back in the sunshine again.

Things I learned this time:

1. Chocolate is not my friend.
2. Some part of me seems hell-bent on sabotaging my best efforts and I don't know why.
3. Making healthy choices is hard when you 'don't care'.

What's helping:

1. My three mantras: "it matters" and "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got" (thanks Dr Phil) and "time passes regardless" (thank you Lucy).

2. Being mindful.

3. Remembering how far I've come but kind of ignoring it. Today is a new day and tomorrow will be the same if I don't make some changes today.

4. Focusing on what I CAN eat, rather than what I can't.

So, I'm getting there. It's been an excellent week. I'm almost 18 kilos down now and people are really starting to notice. Must remember that while I'm getting smaller my head mustn't get bigger!

Always a fan of Lucy...

[Image found here]

Fighting the Demon

I could kick myself. In fact, I need to.


I’ve lost my focus. I’m off the rails.

I’m still eating everything my Commando prepares for me. But I find myself adding stuff - quantities of stuff. Chocolate stuff. Almond stuff. Not good stuff.

I hate that the ‘eat what I want’ demon is still inside me even after 12 weeks of good, wholesome eating. I hate that even though I feel SO MUCH BETTER when I’m eating healthily, the demon is still feeding me stuff that makes my head hurt and my stomach gurgle. I hate that I’ve proved to myself that I can follow a plan and lose weight, yet here I am distracted by the demon and off the plan, not losing weight.

I hate that I can’t seem to kick that demon to the curb.

But I’m not giving up.

I don’t know what feeds the demon, but I’m determined that it won’t be me.

_________________________________________

Have you seen Lucy's fab new linky? Join in with any 'changing' moment you're in the middle of. It doesn't have to be weight-related. Are you renovating? Studying? Pregnant?

[Image found here]

I blame the bunny

So Easter, huh?

I have consumed my body weight in chocolate over the past four days. It was great at the time - that free feeling of 'stuff it' (or rather 'stuff me'). I rode that chocolate high like a thoroughbred racing for the Cup.

Now I've come down I'm just the grumpiest, meanest person around. It's like I've permanently got the cranky pants on and they're three sizes bigger than they were four days ago.

I've got to start thinking more like an addict and less like someone who can 'just have one'. I can't have just one. I can't even have just ten.

I blame the bunny. Why can't he hop around delivering carrots instead of the brown stuff?

[Insanely cute bunny image from here. Don't even look at me, bunny, you know what you've done.]

All quiet on the Skinny front

The trouble when things are going well for me is that I am just not that interesting.

I am losing weight.

My new regime feels 'normal' now.

There have been lapses here and there but nothing to write home (or blog!) about.

I am losing weight.

So, I'm really just getting on with packing those bags for my big move to number 40.

[Image via weheartit]

The trouble with fruit

I love fruit, I really do. The orange or apple pieces that I have on my train journey in the morning are just so delicious. But only when just perfectly ripe and ready.

The trouble with fruit is that you never really know what you're going to get... when it's bad, it's very, very bad.

[Image]

Something different

As part of the 'Commando Program'' we get one meal off a week.

One of the meals was a gorgeous night out at Manly Pavillion for our wedding anniversary. We went for Ben and Jerry's ice creams afterwards (Phish Food, my favourite). I couldn't finish my ice cream! Hmmm.... something different!

This morning we went for brunch at our favourite spot. It's a cafe by a park and there are trees to climb, lots of running around room and a playground. The perfect cafe!

I indulged in sourdough toast, bacon and scrambled eggs. I found myself polishing off the rocket garnish first. I found myself sharing half the bacon and eggs with the Tsunamis. I found myself not being able to finish the bacon anyway.  Hmmmm... something different!

As time goes by, I'm making better choices and listening to my body. Not because I 'have' to, but because I want to. Hmmmm.... something different!

[Image]

It is working

Could this be the key? I have nothing to say about my diet one way or the other EXCEPT

it is working.

I am paying no attention to it whatsoever. I am not obsessing. I am not even thinking.

it is working.

I'm not eating funny foods. I'm not craving anything. I'm not scared if I eat a morsel that's 'not on the plan'

it is working.

There is no hurry. No stress. No 'I should be' or 'I shouldn't be'. It just is what it is and

it is working.

I know this because even though I am not measuring myself or weighing myself, we are taking photos every Sunday evening in the same tight clothes and

it is working.

Three words that stand out for me this week:

1. Persistence
2. Consistence
3. Daily

I'm charmed, as ever, by Diminishing Lucy

[Image found at the Lucky Optimist, source unknown. Please contact me if this is your image!]

Chugging along

This weight loss train is chugging along nicely. Just me, my man, my commitment and my little lion lunchbag.

It occurred to me this week that there really is a lot to eat on a diet if you just eat the right things. I am trying not to think about all the 'wrong things' and just enjoy. I have eaten more fruit these past three weeks than I have eaten in the past year. I am  not usually a 'fruit' person, but man it fills that snack gap with a little sugar kick to boot. What's not to love?

PS - and in answer to the question I asked in my last post, no, not weighing myself. I know what I started at, so that's enough for now. I will 'check in' down the track when I feel strong.

Should I weigh myself?

I'm starting to think no.

I find it demotivating at the best of times, depressing at the worst.

I think I'm happier just getting on with things and maybe jumping on the scales every now and then. But every diet helper I read tells me I should weight myself once a week to keep on track. To be honest, I think they're right...

What do you think?

BTW, The Commando week 1 was a MASSIVE success. Or should I say a TINY success? Week 2 and I'm loving the diet and my husband more and more.

{Image via weheartit}

Day one

Ring ring, ring ring.

“Hello?”



“Honey, it’s me.”



“Hey now! How did you enjoy lunch?”



“Well, ah, that’s what I’m calling about… I think I left half of it at home?”



“Did you pick up the embarrassing orange and green lion lunchbox out of the fridge?”



“Yeah, but that’s all I picked up. It’s only got some rocket, a tin of tuna and one slice of wholemeal bread in it.”


“Yep. That’s lunch.”


“That’s it?”


“That’s it. Oh, there was supposed to be a carrot and some tomatoes and a yoghurt, but we didn’t have any of that in the fridge so I left it out.”


“Oh. Ah, okay. Um, thanks sweetie. I really appreciate you taking control of the food situation. Are you, um, going shopping tonight? To get some, you know, supplies in?”


“Of course I am. See you at home for dinner.”


“Yeah, I really, really, really can’t wait for dinner.”

Enter Commando

I realised I was struggling to stay on my healthy track so I've brought in The Commando.

LOML.

He will officially be taking over my diet when I return to work on Monday. He will be packing me a breakfast and lunch to take to work (I can't do food straight after waking!). He will be either cooking the dinner or telling me exactly what to cook. I think we are following the CSIRO diet, but I'm not sure and I don't want to know.

It's like Jenny Craig but with exclusive exercise options!!

Today I also want to thank Diminishing Lucy just for being there. 

A little daily reminder that time passes, regardless...

[Image from The Biggest Loser]

Where did I go?

I'm finding it hard to find time to blog right now... and Maxabella loves... is my real home. So bear with me while I sort out a window of time for blogging on 40 Skinny Street. Check out my theme for 2011 here.

Oh, and I've been total shite with the healthy lifestyle so far and I am too embarrassed to say any more.

Reassessment needed.

Why don't I seem to WANT THIS ENOUGH?

Oh, and I just love that Peppa Pig is back on ABC 1. One of my fave children's show (except, sheesh, those parent pigs are sooooo bloody patient! Have you noticed how they always have time for their kids?)

I'll be back when I can. Hopefully smaller than ever.