An outright ban on the dark stuff

It has to go. I can't stop at 3 squares or even 23 squares. It has to go.

Reminder to self

There is no point eating like an angel at breakfast and lunch if you're just going to super-size dinner. And about those chocolates that have been sneaking in... the less said, the better.

[Image by Adrian Briscoe at Sarah Kaye]

Why have I eaten four pieces of the World's Most Dangerous Cake since Sunday? And what was I doing making the World's Most Dangerous Cake in the first place? Damn you, World's Most Dangeous Cake... I will get you back someday.

See that chocolate, maple syrup, kit kat and marshmallow cake up there? I made it. But I didn't stop there. I've eaten at least four pieces too. It's beyond McDreamy when you heat it for just a little bit in the microwave and the marshmallows start to ooooooze a little and get meshed in with the cakey bits and the icing drizzles down like a love fountain of yum.

What happened to my 'doing it' programme? Where is my beloved 'zone'? Why do we sometimes wake up and subconsciously say 'fuck it' and just hoover for the day / week / month before remembering "oh, that's right, I'm meant to be losing weight?"

What's that all about, huh?

The Reset

I've had a Reset. You know them. It's when you've been feeling thinner and healthier and better for a few weeks (because you are) and then one morning you wake up and you feel like a fat cow again.

I'm sure there's a physiological explanation for the Reset phenomenon. Something to do with the brain accepting the new weight so the new weight becomes the comfortable 'old weight'. Regardless, I woke up yesterday morning and it was like 8 kilos lighter was how I'd always been so I immediately felt like I was starting from scratch.

The Reset. Not a loser's friend.





[Image by Nania Iqbal]

Highly recommended

My scales are broken. I weigh 52.2 kilos. I feel GREAT!!!! 

My new goal weight is 31 kilos.

{Image from here}

Optimal experience

I was reading Felicity's thought on creativity over at Gifts of Serendipity and she mentioned Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's work on what he calls 'flow' or 'optimal experience'. I zipped over to the TED video (oh how I love TED... very white) and learned more. And then, because I'm just like that, I also read some of Csikszentmihalyi's psychology papers and learned all I could about the essence of optimal experience. And I think it can be related to weight loss for sure.

Flow is an optimal state of intrinsic motivation, where the person is fully immersed in what he or she is doing. To achieve flow, you have to balance your skill level to the activity you're doing. If the task is too easy or too difficult, apathy will result.

I think in the past, I have tried to do too many weight loss things beyond my 'skill' level. I've felt like you have to be a 'perfect' dieter in order to lose weight and reach your goal. You have to run 30 minutes 3 x a week, do weights a couple of times and you have to drink 2 litres of water and you have to write down everything you eat (I hate that part) and you have to only eat certain things and not others and never big quantities, keep everything small.

Considering that I've been on a diet for 20 years, I think we can assess that my experience was not optimal.

This time, I think I've matched my capabilities better to the task at hand. This time, I'm doing 1 run for about 25 minutes after lunch. That's it. That's all I can commit to and enjoy and that's that. I'm considering a addinga  bike ride, but I'm not going to worry about it if it doesn't happen.

I've also 'uncomplicated' the food by sticking with lots and lots of vegies or salad and a hearty serve of meat or beans. Not a palm sized serve or a 100g crumb. But a big, delicious, fulfilling serve that I look forward to.

I've cut back on carbs. Unintentionally, but I know in my heart of hearts that I just don't find a half a cup of pasta or rice satisfying and what is bread without butter, so why go there in the first place? I'm having some carbs here and there, but not many. It leaves me more room for my big fat juicy steak, so I'm okay with that.

Matching capabilities with the task at hand... Hmmmm.... I like this Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi dude. Even if I couldn't pronounce his name for the life of me!!

{Image via here}

I've finally found my 'zone'!

I'm in the zone. That zone where you're just 'doing it' and not 'thinking about it'. Think driving your car... ever freak yourself out wondering 'how did I get five blocks away all of a sudden'? Yep, that's the zone.

Well, I've never been here for weight loss before. Never.

It's the good life here. Rather than boring myself senseless by filling my mind with a constant stream of what I'm eating, what I'm not eating, what I might be eating, what I miss eating... eating, eating, eating... I'm just doing it. In the past I've gotten so BORED with dieting that I immediately turn to food (because I'm a Boredom Eater, of course). Haven't done that this time, not even once.

There is a 'permanent' feeling to what I'm doing. I think I was just ready. I think my reasons are good. I think it's just my time.

SEVEN kilos down now. I'm doing it.

{Image via Style List}

Choices, choices, choices

I am trying very hard to focus on one food choice at a time. I stock my fridge with fruit and vegies and healthy choices and then I make sure I really focus on and make those choices. Every single time my tum says "I'm hungry", my head says "let's think this through and make the right choice". I'm reminding myself every time of my reasons for losing weight and the fact that I have to change in order to get there.

I have made a couple of poor choices in the past couple of days, but they were conscious poor choices and that alone is a breakthrough. I weighted up my options and decided that I would have the treat anyway. And it was exactly that: a treat.. Hallelujah!

[Image via weheartit. Source unknown.]

Does it really come down to the yolk?

The trouble with 'diets' is that they are just so extreme. Since when do we really have to peel the skin off the chicken before we eat it... it's the best bit! If I'm existing on salads the rest of the time, does it really matter if I leave the chicken skin on? Or, for godsake, have an omelette that has a yolk in it.

Surely not.

My fat didn't come from egg yolks. It came from a block of Dairy Milk in front of the tele. It came from lashings of butter (oh how I miss you!), cheese (!) and ice-cream (oh, sweet ice-cream!). You know, that sort of ... banned, fond memories only, don't even think about it... stuff.

So, I'm leaving the skin on and, godammit, I'm not making bloody eggwhite only omelettes. I might not even drink skim milk, so there.

But I promise, hand on heart, I'll stay off the chocolate and the cheese. Deal?

Do you eat what you want or do you 'modify'? Any of it drive you a bit crazy?

[Image by Babi Santander]

The epiphany

I've been sparked by Lucy's Fat to Fit, the accountability, the commitment. We holidayed last week, but this week I'm back with a vengeance.

I've been trying to lose weight for 20 years.  So, obviously, whatever I've been trying to do hasn't been working, right? My usual Pollyanna, easy-going approach just isn't working. I had an epiphany reading one of Lucy's posts last week - I realised that I carefully balanced and monitored the Tsunamis' food intake, but rarely gave my own even half the consideration. What's that all about? Is the mother of my children not worth the same loving attention?

So this week, I've gone hard core.

It's only day four, but I've been eating like a saint. Fruit, vegies, portion control, water intake, lean meats, incidental exercise... it's all here. And I feel great.





[Image via weheartit]

Accountable every week

I've decided that I'm only going to blog about weight loss once a week on Thursdays and link up at Diminishing Lucy's Fat to Fit. There are many reasons for this, but really it boils down to the time factor and the boredom factor. I really don't see myself sitting here being interesting about and interested in writing about... loss of fat.
I just find the whole thing so deadly dull.

Oh my, don't tell anyone you're on a 'diet' (or 'healthy life choices programme') because they immediately launch into telling you down to the finest detail what they had for breakfast that morning. "So I had an egg and I boiled it in water that I added a bit of salt to.. did I add the salt?... no, no salt... and then I opened a new packet of Burgen multi-grain bread, the one with the..." Cue coma.

Just having to think about the minuate of what goes into the mouth is labourious for me. I do suppose that a classic 'boredom eater' such as me will find it very difficult to lose weight when she find diets so boring.

So, this week the scales have done... absolutely nothing. And this is because I have done... absolutely nothing.  My grand 200gm weight loss a week has come to a screeching halt. There is a reason for this. I've been eating the choc bits from the cooking cupboard while watching Modern Family and United States of Tara. Two shows, two different nights, same me eating the choc bits.

I know, I know. And I'm on holidays next week which is usually a disaster, but I'll try to make it not. Perhaps the generosity of Good Golly Miss Holly will see me through? She emailed to see if I'd like her copies of some motivational CDs and I said... why yes thank you you generous and lovely soul. Would anyone like them after me?

How did you fare (pun intended) this week?

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Inspired by Lucy

I've been neglecting my Skinny blog, but I've been inspired by Diminishing Lucy to get back on track to being Diminishing Maxabella. Being a bit more "public" with my blog will help I'm sure!

Last week I ran 800m down to the Blackmores Running Festival tent to pick up my sister's bib for her sterling efforts in the 9km fun run. Does that count? I got a blister for my efforts, so I felt like I was really a part of things. I'm trying to get back to running a couple of times a week. I go at eleven a.m. with my colleague Sean, who's a super-fit personal trainer in his spare time. I have to keep the jokes flowing and the conversation gossipy as we run otherwise he'll get bored and race off ahead of me. At least I know I'm not overdoing it if I can run and puff, sort, puff, of, puff talk at the same time.

I've been losing about 200g a week for three weeks now. I think that's fine. As long as the number goes down instead of up, I'm a happy lady. I do plan to step it up a bit more this week as I'm trying my best to stay on track with Good Golly Miss Holly's Plan, I've allowed myself 2000 kilojoules a day though. I have to be realistic. You can't walk from France to Africa overnight* and it's going to take me over a year to lose all the weight that needs to go.



* Was this an offensive statement? I meant more along the lines of 'rich buttery French cuisine' and 'lean, low-fat African fare'...




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One word

Thank god there is only one outlet (that I know of, don't tell me if I'm wrong!) in Sydney. A trip to Manly isn't the same without it... Heaven.

1 more bag packed for Skinny Street

Makes me happy to know that I'm slowly winding up the fat rope and getting ready to set sail. I haven't even been 'trying hard', I've just been trying to eat mindfully and accept it when I decide to go off the rails a bit. Dieters will know what I mean when I say that I've actually been thinking about LOTS of other things besides food. I've hardly thought about food at all in fact. Could this be key?

[Image]

I'm not telling you

Going well... check out my weight loss counter in the footer of my blog... tres exciting!

Writing my song...

I'm doing well. I haven't weighed myself (I don't think I will for a while, if that's okay) but I feel like I've stayed reasonably on the straight and narrow (narrow, geddit?). I've realised that my 'diet' is taking shape in the form of 'eat like a normal person eats'. So, aside from banning chocolate (unless it's in something that I bake myself) I'm really eating much as I usually do, just a bit less at mealtimes and a lot less at snacktimes. It's working really well.

It feels sustainable.

Which is the whole point, really.  Previous attempts have resulted in me scoffing chocolates by 4pm because I feel deprived and I feel like I'll never get a square meal again as long as I live. Not good.

It's nice to feel a bit more in control again. And it's nice to feel like I'm finally doing something again to move a little (little, geddit?) bit closer to looking like the 'me' that's in my heart.

No more skinny puns. Promise.

Phase 159 of the 20 year diet is... on!

So, I turned 39 on Friday . So Saturday marked the beginning of me packing my bags for the big move to Skinny Street. Feels oddly great, just as decluttering the unclutterable always feels great. You've just got to set the timer and start clearing out a single drawer.

And so we begin.

So, on Saturday I had Thai takeaway for dinner and ordered curry and noodles. That's not the way to move to Skinny Street, now is it? Next time it will be Chilli Chicken and I'll boil my own brown rice. See, I'm planning.

Then on Sunday I made Lemonade Scones for afternoon tea and ate five of them with butter and jam. Hmmmm, this drawer is very, very cluttered, isn't it? Next time I'll eat only two with jam only... and miss the butter with every bite. So maybe I will have one with butter and jam. Planning.

Fear not, this blog is not going to be a blow by blow of what I did and didn't eat each day. God help me, I would bore the pants off myself. But I wanted to give you the above rundown so you know exactly what we are dealing with.

Denial.

Denial.

Denial.

Ah well, at least we have set the timer...

[Image by Princess Elanalda]

It matters

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It matters

Kid, you'll move mountains!

Congratulations!

Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!


You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.


Except when you don’t.

Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.
You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.


The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.


No! That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!


Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.


Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!

(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!

So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Maxabella, you’re off to Great Places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So…get on your way!

A chocolate bar for a job well done...

I had a healthy lunch so now I feel like 'rewarding' myself with an unhealthy afternoon snack. Hmmmmm.... there's something there...

That pesky inner voice

It occurred to me today that I am very, very good at ignoring my sensible inner voice. It's like my mind starts a sentence and then interrupts itself. I think it's partly due to my eternal optimism; I don't want to hear the negative. I think I ignore the voice because I don't like what it has to say.

It's costing me. How can I tune in and listen again?

One word: chocolate

Exploring why I'm here part 1

I can never reveal my weight. I'm so embarassed by it I can't even acknowledge it to myself.

I remember when I was a young dieter who wanted to lose 5 kilos or so (and probably didn't even need to) I was so dismissive of the really-fat people who 'let themselves go'. How could they let themselves get like that? How could they not care?

I imagined that the really-fat people were lonely, sad, unintelligent. I imagined they had nothing to really care about, so they used food to make themselves feel better.

Now I'm really-fat and I also know that I was really-stupid back then.

I'm not sad or lonely or unintelligent. Quite the opposite in fact. I'm happily married to the love of my life (LOML) and I have three utterly gorgeous children (The Tsunamis) who I love to bits and pieces.

I have a career I love and I even manage to fit in the working thing with the mummying thing without too many hassles.

I can genuinely say that I'm content and happy with my charmed and wonderful life. Which may or may not be part of the reason that I just can't get motivated to lose weight. I haven't been frightened by a health scare. Or laughed at in public. Or humiliated by broken chairs or silly people. I'm heavy, but probably not that heavy.  I don't know, how fat do you have to be to break a chair? I do know that when I was having a spa treatment the other day at the back of my mind I kept thinking "I hope the table can hold me." So that can't be good.

One way or another, I've been trying for 20 years to get down to my 'ideal' weight. Most years I've done nothing but thought about it constantly. Some years I've been successful. I've lost the same 10 kilos over and over. A whole person has been whittled away.

I've never felt the urge to embrace the fat. I respect that people all come in different shapes and sizes. I respect that some people just want to get off the food merry-go-round and accept themselves as they are. But I've never been able to do that. Fat me doesn't feel 'like me'. I don't know how I know that as it's been so long since skinny me was even in the ball park. But I just know.

And here I am. Heavier than I've ever been. Searching for the courage to stop my self-denial and really face up to the fact that I'm fat and should by all counts be miserable about it.