More than half way

How is this possible?

In February I felt like my weight was a battle that I would never win. I was resigned to making fat jokes about myself forever. I was okay with that - some of my jokes are really, really funny and I love nothing more than catching someone off guard by being un-PC about myself. Great fun.

But, of course, nice if you don't have to, right?

Now, in May, I am 19 kilos lighter and a part of me wonders how that happened.

I've tried to lose weight many, many times over my life. Starting at about 16 when I didn't know what I weighed, what I was meant to weigh or even how to get there. All I knew was that I was 'huge' and I needed to be 'not huge'.

Huge. What a joke. I was probably under-weight at the time, not over weight.

Years and years and years passed and somewhere along the 'weigh' I guess I just gave up losing that 'five kilos' that plagued me. I could never 'stay on a diet' for longer than... oh, two days, a day, a morning. It varied, but a week was a triumph and any more than that seemed completely unachievable. Even leading up to my wedding, when I was a total gym junkie, going up to five times a week, I still continued to eat and eat and everything stayed the same. It didn't bother me enough. I was still happy in my skin and proud to be me.

Five kilos became ten. Ten kilos became fifteen and then. Then.

I stacked it on. I knew that I was eating all the wrong foods in all the wrong amounts, but something in me didn't care. I was battling a bigger demon than my weight - sleep deprivation - and the sugar and carb cravings I was experiencing had to be endured to be believed. My body was tormented by blood sugar peaks and troughs and I was tormented by my failure again and again to 'stay on a diet'. I didn't want to live like a miserable, whoa-is-me person so I just gave into the sugar and found my inner 'fat and happy' chick.

Those sugar cravings. I have given up smoking after a long and committed addiction and I felt more cravings for sugar than I ever remember feeling for nicotine. The difference, I know, was that part of me felt I deserved the sugar and the same could never be said of my relationship with nicotine. I guess I wanted to give up smoking enough.

And so it goes.

Many of us have been there.

But I'm different now. Just different. After years of feeling like all I want is a bloody good sleep, I'm suddenly awake. I'll tell you more about what's different in my next post.

Thanks for listening. Talking about this stuff is really hard for me. Mostly because I worry that I'm boring and also because I worry that by saying it out loud, I might jinx it.

[Image via flickr]

Perspective

Okay, so I kinda got lost in the storm there for a while. Easter was the trigger and my own negligence was the ammo.

But you know what, this is a marathon, not a sprint. I'm good, I'm okay, I'm back in the sunshine again.

Things I learned this time:

1. Chocolate is not my friend.
2. Some part of me seems hell-bent on sabotaging my best efforts and I don't know why.
3. Making healthy choices is hard when you 'don't care'.

What's helping:

1. My three mantras: "it matters" and "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got" (thanks Dr Phil) and "time passes regardless" (thank you Lucy).

2. Being mindful.

3. Remembering how far I've come but kind of ignoring it. Today is a new day and tomorrow will be the same if I don't make some changes today.

4. Focusing on what I CAN eat, rather than what I can't.

So, I'm getting there. It's been an excellent week. I'm almost 18 kilos down now and people are really starting to notice. Must remember that while I'm getting smaller my head mustn't get bigger!

Always a fan of Lucy...

[Image found here]

All quiet on the Skinny front

The trouble when things are going well for me is that I am just not that interesting.

I am losing weight.

My new regime feels 'normal' now.

There have been lapses here and there but nothing to write home (or blog!) about.

I am losing weight.

So, I'm really just getting on with packing those bags for my big move to number 40.

[Image via weheartit]

It is working

Could this be the key? I have nothing to say about my diet one way or the other EXCEPT

it is working.

I am paying no attention to it whatsoever. I am not obsessing. I am not even thinking.

it is working.

I'm not eating funny foods. I'm not craving anything. I'm not scared if I eat a morsel that's 'not on the plan'

it is working.

There is no hurry. No stress. No 'I should be' or 'I shouldn't be'. It just is what it is and

it is working.

I know this because even though I am not measuring myself or weighing myself, we are taking photos every Sunday evening in the same tight clothes and

it is working.

Three words that stand out for me this week:

1. Persistence
2. Consistence
3. Daily

I'm charmed, as ever, by Diminishing Lucy

[Image found at the Lucky Optimist, source unknown. Please contact me if this is your image!]

Chugging along

This weight loss train is chugging along nicely. Just me, my man, my commitment and my little lion lunchbag.

It occurred to me this week that there really is a lot to eat on a diet if you just eat the right things. I am trying not to think about all the 'wrong things' and just enjoy. I have eaten more fruit these past three weeks than I have eaten in the past year. I am  not usually a 'fruit' person, but man it fills that snack gap with a little sugar kick to boot. What's not to love?

PS - and in answer to the question I asked in my last post, no, not weighing myself. I know what I started at, so that's enough for now. I will 'check in' down the track when I feel strong.

Should I weigh myself?

I'm starting to think no.

I find it demotivating at the best of times, depressing at the worst.

I think I'm happier just getting on with things and maybe jumping on the scales every now and then. But every diet helper I read tells me I should weight myself once a week to keep on track. To be honest, I think they're right...

What do you think?

BTW, The Commando week 1 was a MASSIVE success. Or should I say a TINY success? Week 2 and I'm loving the diet and my husband more and more.

{Image via weheartit}

Day one

Ring ring, ring ring.

“Hello?”



“Honey, it’s me.”



“Hey now! How did you enjoy lunch?”



“Well, ah, that’s what I’m calling about… I think I left half of it at home?”



“Did you pick up the embarrassing orange and green lion lunchbox out of the fridge?”



“Yeah, but that’s all I picked up. It’s only got some rocket, a tin of tuna and one slice of wholemeal bread in it.”


“Yep. That’s lunch.”


“That’s it?”


“That’s it. Oh, there was supposed to be a carrot and some tomatoes and a yoghurt, but we didn’t have any of that in the fridge so I left it out.”


“Oh. Ah, okay. Um, thanks sweetie. I really appreciate you taking control of the food situation. Are you, um, going shopping tonight? To get some, you know, supplies in?”


“Of course I am. See you at home for dinner.”


“Yeah, I really, really, really can’t wait for dinner.”

Why have I eaten four pieces of the World's Most Dangerous Cake since Sunday? And what was I doing making the World's Most Dangerous Cake in the first place? Damn you, World's Most Dangeous Cake... I will get you back someday.

See that chocolate, maple syrup, kit kat and marshmallow cake up there? I made it. But I didn't stop there. I've eaten at least four pieces too. It's beyond McDreamy when you heat it for just a little bit in the microwave and the marshmallows start to ooooooze a little and get meshed in with the cakey bits and the icing drizzles down like a love fountain of yum.

What happened to my 'doing it' programme? Where is my beloved 'zone'? Why do we sometimes wake up and subconsciously say 'fuck it' and just hoover for the day / week / month before remembering "oh, that's right, I'm meant to be losing weight?"

What's that all about, huh?

The Reset

I've had a Reset. You know them. It's when you've been feeling thinner and healthier and better for a few weeks (because you are) and then one morning you wake up and you feel like a fat cow again.

I'm sure there's a physiological explanation for the Reset phenomenon. Something to do with the brain accepting the new weight so the new weight becomes the comfortable 'old weight'. Regardless, I woke up yesterday morning and it was like 8 kilos lighter was how I'd always been so I immediately felt like I was starting from scratch.

The Reset. Not a loser's friend.





[Image by Nania Iqbal]

I've finally found my 'zone'!

I'm in the zone. That zone where you're just 'doing it' and not 'thinking about it'. Think driving your car... ever freak yourself out wondering 'how did I get five blocks away all of a sudden'? Yep, that's the zone.

Well, I've never been here for weight loss before. Never.

It's the good life here. Rather than boring myself senseless by filling my mind with a constant stream of what I'm eating, what I'm not eating, what I might be eating, what I miss eating... eating, eating, eating... I'm just doing it. In the past I've gotten so BORED with dieting that I immediately turn to food (because I'm a Boredom Eater, of course). Haven't done that this time, not even once.

There is a 'permanent' feeling to what I'm doing. I think I was just ready. I think my reasons are good. I think it's just my time.

SEVEN kilos down now. I'm doing it.

{Image via Style List}

Choices, choices, choices

I am trying very hard to focus on one food choice at a time. I stock my fridge with fruit and vegies and healthy choices and then I make sure I really focus on and make those choices. Every single time my tum says "I'm hungry", my head says "let's think this through and make the right choice". I'm reminding myself every time of my reasons for losing weight and the fact that I have to change in order to get there.

I have made a couple of poor choices in the past couple of days, but they were conscious poor choices and that alone is a breakthrough. I weighted up my options and decided that I would have the treat anyway. And it was exactly that: a treat.. Hallelujah!

[Image via weheartit. Source unknown.]

The epiphany

I've been sparked by Lucy's Fat to Fit, the accountability, the commitment. We holidayed last week, but this week I'm back with a vengeance.

I've been trying to lose weight for 20 years.  So, obviously, whatever I've been trying to do hasn't been working, right? My usual Pollyanna, easy-going approach just isn't working. I had an epiphany reading one of Lucy's posts last week - I realised that I carefully balanced and monitored the Tsunamis' food intake, but rarely gave my own even half the consideration. What's that all about? Is the mother of my children not worth the same loving attention?

So this week, I've gone hard core.

It's only day four, but I've been eating like a saint. Fruit, vegies, portion control, water intake, lean meats, incidental exercise... it's all here. And I feel great.





[Image via weheartit]

Inspired by Lucy

I've been neglecting my Skinny blog, but I've been inspired by Diminishing Lucy to get back on track to being Diminishing Maxabella. Being a bit more "public" with my blog will help I'm sure!

Last week I ran 800m down to the Blackmores Running Festival tent to pick up my sister's bib for her sterling efforts in the 9km fun run. Does that count? I got a blister for my efforts, so I felt like I was really a part of things. I'm trying to get back to running a couple of times a week. I go at eleven a.m. with my colleague Sean, who's a super-fit personal trainer in his spare time. I have to keep the jokes flowing and the conversation gossipy as we run otherwise he'll get bored and race off ahead of me. At least I know I'm not overdoing it if I can run and puff, sort, puff, of, puff talk at the same time.

I've been losing about 200g a week for three weeks now. I think that's fine. As long as the number goes down instead of up, I'm a happy lady. I do plan to step it up a bit more this week as I'm trying my best to stay on track with Good Golly Miss Holly's Plan, I've allowed myself 2000 kilojoules a day though. I have to be realistic. You can't walk from France to Africa overnight* and it's going to take me over a year to lose all the weight that needs to go.



* Was this an offensive statement? I meant more along the lines of 'rich buttery French cuisine' and 'lean, low-fat African fare'...




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1 more bag packed for Skinny Street

Makes me happy to know that I'm slowly winding up the fat rope and getting ready to set sail. I haven't even been 'trying hard', I've just been trying to eat mindfully and accept it when I decide to go off the rails a bit. Dieters will know what I mean when I say that I've actually been thinking about LOTS of other things besides food. I've hardly thought about food at all in fact. Could this be key?

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I'm not telling you

Going well... check out my weight loss counter in the footer of my blog... tres exciting!

Writing my song...

I'm doing well. I haven't weighed myself (I don't think I will for a while, if that's okay) but I feel like I've stayed reasonably on the straight and narrow (narrow, geddit?). I've realised that my 'diet' is taking shape in the form of 'eat like a normal person eats'. So, aside from banning chocolate (unless it's in something that I bake myself) I'm really eating much as I usually do, just a bit less at mealtimes and a lot less at snacktimes. It's working really well.

It feels sustainable.

Which is the whole point, really.  Previous attempts have resulted in me scoffing chocolates by 4pm because I feel deprived and I feel like I'll never get a square meal again as long as I live. Not good.

It's nice to feel a bit more in control again. And it's nice to feel like I'm finally doing something again to move a little (little, geddit?) bit closer to looking like the 'me' that's in my heart.

No more skinny puns. Promise.