This little piggy is not moving house this year

See that little piggy? His head is above water... just.

It's a mystery why just five sleeps away from my birthday I am eating chocolate at 2.29pm.

At this rate I will be lucky to move to number 70 Skinny Street.

I lost 18 kilos but I've put weight back on in the past month. I don't know how much.

So disappointed in myself. But yet I'm still eating this chocolate.

It's totally a mental thing, this weight loss caper. And I'm mental.

I will check back in after hitting 4-0MG.

Not giving up. But then, I already did that, didn't I...

{Image found here}

Fighting the Demon

I could kick myself. In fact, I need to.


I’ve lost my focus. I’m off the rails.

I’m still eating everything my Commando prepares for me. But I find myself adding stuff - quantities of stuff. Chocolate stuff. Almond stuff. Not good stuff.

I hate that the ‘eat what I want’ demon is still inside me even after 12 weeks of good, wholesome eating. I hate that even though I feel SO MUCH BETTER when I’m eating healthily, the demon is still feeding me stuff that makes my head hurt and my stomach gurgle. I hate that I’ve proved to myself that I can follow a plan and lose weight, yet here I am distracted by the demon and off the plan, not losing weight.

I hate that I can’t seem to kick that demon to the curb.

But I’m not giving up.

I don’t know what feeds the demon, but I’m determined that it won’t be me.

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Have you seen Lucy's fab new linky? Join in with any 'changing' moment you're in the middle of. It doesn't have to be weight-related. Are you renovating? Studying? Pregnant?

[Image found here]

Reminder to self

There is no point eating like an angel at breakfast and lunch if you're just going to super-size dinner. And about those chocolates that have been sneaking in... the less said, the better.

[Image by Adrian Briscoe at Sarah Kaye]

Why have I eaten four pieces of the World's Most Dangerous Cake since Sunday? And what was I doing making the World's Most Dangerous Cake in the first place? Damn you, World's Most Dangeous Cake... I will get you back someday.

See that chocolate, maple syrup, kit kat and marshmallow cake up there? I made it. But I didn't stop there. I've eaten at least four pieces too. It's beyond McDreamy when you heat it for just a little bit in the microwave and the marshmallows start to ooooooze a little and get meshed in with the cakey bits and the icing drizzles down like a love fountain of yum.

What happened to my 'doing it' programme? Where is my beloved 'zone'? Why do we sometimes wake up and subconsciously say 'fuck it' and just hoover for the day / week / month before remembering "oh, that's right, I'm meant to be losing weight?"

What's that all about, huh?

The Reset

I've had a Reset. You know them. It's when you've been feeling thinner and healthier and better for a few weeks (because you are) and then one morning you wake up and you feel like a fat cow again.

I'm sure there's a physiological explanation for the Reset phenomenon. Something to do with the brain accepting the new weight so the new weight becomes the comfortable 'old weight'. Regardless, I woke up yesterday morning and it was like 8 kilos lighter was how I'd always been so I immediately felt like I was starting from scratch.

The Reset. Not a loser's friend.





[Image by Nania Iqbal]

It matters

Exploring why I'm here part 1

I can never reveal my weight. I'm so embarassed by it I can't even acknowledge it to myself.

I remember when I was a young dieter who wanted to lose 5 kilos or so (and probably didn't even need to) I was so dismissive of the really-fat people who 'let themselves go'. How could they let themselves get like that? How could they not care?

I imagined that the really-fat people were lonely, sad, unintelligent. I imagined they had nothing to really care about, so they used food to make themselves feel better.

Now I'm really-fat and I also know that I was really-stupid back then.

I'm not sad or lonely or unintelligent. Quite the opposite in fact. I'm happily married to the love of my life (LOML) and I have three utterly gorgeous children (The Tsunamis) who I love to bits and pieces.

I have a career I love and I even manage to fit in the working thing with the mummying thing without too many hassles.

I can genuinely say that I'm content and happy with my charmed and wonderful life. Which may or may not be part of the reason that I just can't get motivated to lose weight. I haven't been frightened by a health scare. Or laughed at in public. Or humiliated by broken chairs or silly people. I'm heavy, but probably not that heavy.  I don't know, how fat do you have to be to break a chair? I do know that when I was having a spa treatment the other day at the back of my mind I kept thinking "I hope the table can hold me." So that can't be good.

One way or another, I've been trying for 20 years to get down to my 'ideal' weight. Most years I've done nothing but thought about it constantly. Some years I've been successful. I've lost the same 10 kilos over and over. A whole person has been whittled away.

I've never felt the urge to embrace the fat. I respect that people all come in different shapes and sizes. I respect that some people just want to get off the food merry-go-round and accept themselves as they are. But I've never been able to do that. Fat me doesn't feel 'like me'. I don't know how I know that as it's been so long since skinny me was even in the ball park. But I just know.

And here I am. Heavier than I've ever been. Searching for the courage to stop my self-denial and really face up to the fact that I'm fat and should by all counts be miserable about it.